Monday, June 12, 2017

And i wake up alone

It's my birthday next week and i am scared.

Last year on my birthday, i was so happy. I was in love, surrounded by my best friends. 
This year... 

I had planned on running away from it. 
I looked at flights to Athens. 
I wanted to sit by myself on a rock overlooking something beautiful and ancient, and be deep in thought, maybe even having some kind of cool epiphany about what the fuck i'm supposed to do with my messed up life. 
I wanted to lie down on that rock and reach into my chest and pull out my dumb heart, put it next to me, have the sun dry and warm it, and tell it "there there, buddy. I got you now, look at all this beauty. You'll be ok." 
Most of all i wanted to forget. Forget all that i've lost and all that i'll never have. 
But the thing is, like the book says, wherever you go, there you are. 
There you fucking are. I could run away from Berlin but Flora would follow. 
Flora and all of her heartaches and her problems and her fucked up life, would be right there with me. And as it turned out, Lucifer's dad needed me to take the dog that week, so however much i wanted to, running away wasn't an option after all. 

Also hi there! It's been a while since i've dared to even open up my dashboard, let alone write anything more than a few quick lines on my phone. 
I've been scared to post anything because i've been afraid it would reveal that i don't feel that much different. 
That i no longer have a death wish, which is great, but that i'm still far from ok. 
I was reading my previous post because it was written so long ago i was afraid i would repeat myself, and i swear, if i hadn't read it, this post could have said the same things word for word. 
That's how little i thought had actually changed. At first. 

In the past months i've felt immense pressure to "be ok". It seems to me like there's a limit set for how long you're allowed to be depressed. Or how long you're allowed to be heartbroken. 
You realize this time limit exists when you stop lying when people ask you how you're doing. 
Soon they stop asking, stop texting. It's uncomfortable. 
"I asked her like a week ago, why is she still not ok?" 
Then a month, then... 
Like i've said before, you get over something once, twice, you're expected to do it again, and quick, please. 
 I could feel people expecting me to have moved on. 
According to some unspoken norms, it was almost embarrassing that i hadn't. 
"Come on, do that thing again! Do that trick where you survive something horrible and come out a better, stronger more awesome person! Well? Come on!" 
Not this time. This time i didn't come out better or stronger. I just came out broken. 

Him haunting me didn't make moving on any easier. 
Yeah, it's a thing now. Haunting. 
Popping up, liking a picture, making it impossible to forget and worst of all, keeping hope alive. 
And then stopping, disappearing, which is better, but also a million times worse. 
Witnessing the gradually declining social media engagement that in these times means someone you love has slowly stopped loving you back, was something i had really hoped to avoid. 
That damn hope. 
As embarrassing as it is to write, let alone think this, even after all this time, i kept holding onto the faintest hope that he would come to his senses and just... come home. 
That he'd show up at my door one day, ready to grow up and be the person i at one point thought he was. But i'm finally starting to realize that it's time for me to let go of that fantasy and accept that maybe i shouldn't have spent a year and a half of my life trying to be everything for someone who, even though he probably loved me a lot, never had any real intention of having a future with me.
Someone who treated a loving relationship like it was a dirty secret. 
So he could keep his options open. 
And me, i was just another option, a good one, one that was always available to him. 
I sometimes feel as if i spent all that time building a beautiful castle on top of a swamp, only to watch it slowly sink, powerless, unable to stop the inevitable from happening. 
I wish he would have told me from the beginning not to start building. 

I think one thing that made me realize i needed to forget about him, besides, you know, the hope killing me, was when something even worse than our breakup happened, and i had to go through it alone.
What happened was that everything sucked... and then then my dog got sick. 
The one good thing that i thought i could count on in life, my bff, my partner in crime, just stopped working. One day he would seem fine, the next he was oddly off balance, then kind of fine again. 
But even though it was subtle, he gradually got worse, slowly but surely to the point where he suddenly couldn't walk. 
We had vet appointment after vet appointment, different doctors, none of them actually taking any action or listening to us, just a lot of pain management and let's-wait-and-see's. 
Eventually it got so bad that i took it upon myself to contact a physiotherapist for dogs, and even though she had never met me or Lucifer, and owed us nothing, she called me up and set some things in motion that resulted in Lucifer having emergency spinal surgery, against our, as it turns out, highly incompetent vet's recommendations. 
Recovery was tough and heartbreaking. My beautiful, funny, lively dog was reduced to a ragdoll, not even able to stand on his own. 
I would bring him to work like usual, and he would lie there in a bag all day. I would take him for walks, but walks now consisted of me carrying him around from spot to spot, holding him while he tried to pee, usually on himself. 
It seemed all but hopeless, but with regular rehabilitation sessions, and lots of hard work and commitment from both Lucifer, myself, and Lucifer's dad, we managed to get him back. 
He's almost as good as new, no longer in pain, can run like he used to, and is still killing it on the physiotherapists obstacle course on a regular basis. 
So i guess if something that awful can turn out so good... i don't know, maybe there's also hope for me and the two or three dreams i still have left? 
But still, going through that shit alone was... yeah...

Anyway so there i was, the other day, in my living room, reading my previous post, uploading photos to this one, and as i was looking at those photos, thinking about the stories behind them, remembering those brief moments of joy that do occur, even in the life of someone suffering from some form of depression, i started to think that maybe something is different. 
Maybe i'm more bruised than shattered. 
Half the year is gone, half a year that for the most part feels wasted. 
Wasted crying, ruminating. Grieving and waiting for something that will never happen.
But i'm still trying, to be positive, to get better. 
And although it sometimes seems as if very few things are actually working out for me, i try to focus on the things that do. 
Like getting promoted at work, going to a great concert, learning to not just tolerate but enjoy my own company, having a few amazing friends and nice coworkers, and, once in awhile, like today, even having a good day, for no apparent reason.
And those changes, so small that you don't notice them in your daily life do still happen. 
They're there but you only see them when you step out and look at the big picture. 
So maybe this whole time i should have been writing more, not less. 

As for my birthday, who knows, maybe it'll fall on one of the good days where i feel ok with myself, my solitude, my social life, my successes and my failures. And even though i won't be in Greece, and i most likely won't be surrounded by any kind of beauty,  because, you know, Berlin, maybe i'll still have a tiny epiphany, over tapas, with my friends in Neukölln.

Let the right one in

Vegan pizza night

Shopping and tacos in Mitte with Fronx

Lucifer at the lake. 
He wasn't a huge fan of the heat, never is, and i had to dip him in Schlachtensee before going back on the train so he wouldn't overheat, and i wasn't having the best time either cause that place like so many others in Berlin was full of memories. We decided not to go back there for a while

That one time we tried on really cool outfits and i almost spent 245€ on a bodysuit but then sadly reason kicked in... i looked great though!

Shannon's baby shower at Mandy's new place in Wedding

I bought apricot (not pink, apricot) sandals online the other day. They were vegan and on sale, and i had to walk around Neukölln for quite some time to find out where DHL randomly dropped them off, cause they couldn't be bothered to ring my doorbell... the incompetence of nearly everyone in this city can still surprise me after four years, but the shoes are totally worth it!

The solo brunch, it's a love hate thing for me as i prefer company, but also realize that that's not always an option. So if you wanna eat something delicious, you gotta go out there among the happy couples and claim your place in their world

And if you're a pro, you'll sit there and take amazing selfies and not give too many fucks that people are looking at you funny

Coffee break in Kreuzberg with bae and colleagues 

Back in Denmark, i met up with Martin and Christel in Copenhagen, like i always do, and we had coffee on the playground and talked about our lives while Benny played, until i had to catch the train to the countryside

Walking in the woods with my mom and my cousin. On this walk i had the idea to do a group show as a family at my parents gallery next summer, and these two awesome people were totally down for it. Now we just have to come up with a theme...

Me and Nikolaj found our more or less abandoned dream house and trespassed a bit to get some good pictures

Even the interior was perfect! In our opinion, my mom kind of hated it (yes, she eventually got curious enough to trespass too, even though she resisted at first)

That other dream house, and obligatory chicken

Easter lunch 

My adorable youngest nephew Julius, and my big brother Tobias

Kamma, the lone surviving chicken from a group of four, think my parents are her family

Dream come true, seeing my idol J. Balvin live in Berlin

I went to the show by myself because i guess reggaeton is still a not easily acquired taste around these parts, but it was amazing  

Ugh i love him so much

 Just some random day where i looked cute walking the dog on my lunch break. 
Spring never came to Berlin but summer did

Mail from Prindle, it's a piece on the 20th anniversary of Buffy the Vampire Slayer, still the greatest TV show there ever was (do not try to argue with me i will fight you)

I will wait in line for half an hour in the baking sun with a moderate to severe hangover for this man's dumplings. Thai Park forever

And these two forever too

I re-read The Alchymist a while back, and i think it came to me at the right time this time around

 More Thai Park with Juli, Mats and Noodle

My old friend Matt from California passed through Berlin just long enough for us to have morning coffee and catch up, and while we were at the cafe i ran into a childhood friend from Denmark. Such a random day

Lisa came through Berlin too, and we had time to meet up for ramen at Cocolo. 
 She's been on the blog before, but you might not recognize her cause she's not wearing the awesome outfit from this post

 I slept on a mattress on the floor for weeks after Lucifer's surgery. I was scared he would fall out of the bed, and if he needed a drink of water during the night, he couldn't get up and get it by himself without falling, so this was the solution, and actually it wasn't too bad. Like camping in your own room, basically

My sick baby at work, he would get very cold very easy, probably from the dramatic weight loss, and i would hold him or put a hot water bottle in his basket to keep him warm

There he is a few weeks ago, doing the obstacle course a second or third time, just for fun (and for more snacks)

 This would be a typical Friday night for me when Lucifer was sick: frozen pizza, wine, and lots of dog treats because he wouldn't eat normal dog food 

 May first in Berlin was cold, but i wore a skirt anyway, it was a present from my mom and it's my favorite

Also first of May, less party and more drinking hot chocolate to stay warm than expected

When you accidentally wear the exact same outfit... oh well we looked cute!

First after-work pizza by the canal this year

The caption for this photo became a very long rant about who or what selfies are for, and how women don't necessarily want to sleep with every random dude, or male friend, who comments "hot" or "mmmm" or some shit on an instagram post. I will save it for a later time because it became apparent that i have a lot of fucking opinions about this topic! But just to sum up, it's for me, not for you

I enjoy every moment with this guy, it's just me and him in this life and i will do anything to make sure he's as happy and healthy as a thirteen year old Prague Ratter can possibly be

Actually enjoy every moment with these guys too

I spend a lot of time on the balcony these days, and i'm really enjoying watching all the bees that visit the wildflowers i planted out there

Yes, it's a dog spam post, but i'm sure you can all understand why

One from after we moved back into the bed. His basket is right next to my face so i can hear him if he moves at night, and maybe also so we can hold hands while falling asleep and cuddle when we wake up 

I had the best day off with Christel who came to visit Berlin, read more about it on her blog

My room is pretty great in the summer, and i'm getting better at just staying home and relaxing when i can, instead of constantly feeling pressured to do something

 Jessica's birthday this year was another Wes Anderson theme party, and i didn't have time to make a costume this time, so i just dressed quirky and that worked too! I do wonder where the hell i put my real Team Zissou beanie...

In a drastic move after one of my roommates moved out, i put together the bench that has been in separate pieces for over two years, and got rid of my grandmother's dining table that i've had for years... it was tough, but it now lives not too far away with a guy from work, and the kitchen table actually looks pretty cute in the living room. I find myself spending more time here now, so it must have been the right move

Sunny afternoon walking to Wendy's shop through one of my favorite neighborhoods

Went to real after 11 pm to buy bananas, came home with a Monstera i don't even have room for. 
I ain't mad though, i always want more plants

The craziest thing happened last weekend: i found myself home alone for the first time in... ever? 
I celebrated by running around the house in my underwear listening to loud reggaeton

 Speaking of, here's the king of reggaeton himself, Daddy Yankee, in Berlin a week ago

Lunch with Wendy, we took a selfie for Prindle who just had a baby

 Yes, you read that right, our beautiful niece Lela was born last week and she is, obviously, the most amazing baby the world has ever seen, and i can't wait to get over there and meet her

Another sandal selfie in my jungle

From the snapchat roll, me and the world's best Gilbert being cute puppies in Bisserup. 
This dude is growing up to be such an amazing, funny, positive little human being

This filter is the real me, i don't care what anyone says 

Lucifer at physiotherapy, walking uphill on the aquatic treadmill like a boss. 
Even though he's basically fully recovered, me and his dad decided to continue the sessions. Lucifer likes it, we like our therapist, and it keeps him in good shape