Friday, November 13, 2015

Memories destroy us

From the iPhone journal:

Mexico was a year ago.
A year ago today i was there, and in a way, i'm still there. 
Stuck in a parallel universe, i can watch myself, i can relive my experiences and repeat my mistakes.
It's not always like this. On a regular day i can forget. 
On a regular day i can even joke about that time i did something so crazy, like travel to the other side of the world by myself for someone... someone who...

But the anniversary is like a mirror that allows me to see it all so much clearer. 
Smell it, hear it.
Allows me to almost be in those moments. 
I can watch, i can feel, but just like a regular memory, i can't save myself from the heartbreak that is to come, the heartbreak that started the moment my plane set down in Mexico City. 
Perhaps even months before.
I can't protect parallel me. 

Would i?
Would i even change a thing?

Maybe it'll always be like this. 
Every anniversary, every November, i will be forced to relive it. 
The beauty, the magic, the pain, the agony of a life i borrowed for a while but could never have. 
A love i borrowed for a while. But could never have.

So i actually did buy that cheap drugstore film i mentioned in my last post, and guess what?
It's not that bad!

These photos are from a trip to an abandoned water park near my house this week with some friends, and as you can hopefully tell from my photos, it was pretty awesome.
It's one of the few abandoned places in Berlin where you don't have to sneak past security, or climb a barb wire fence, and i plan to go back there next week when my mom comes to visit to explore and take more photos.

The days are getting shorter, and usually my mood would be getting about as dark as Berlin around 4 pm, but i'm actually pretty happy.
We got a new roommate about a week ago, and although i'd never imagined that i'd be sharing a flat in Berlin with three other girls at this point in my life, i couldn't be happier with our living situation.
Being around people who are supportive and creative and up for anything, is what it's all about for me.
I crave that.

What else did i do? I built a new habitat for our hamster, made a new winter coat for my dog, put up a new shelf in the kitchen, worked on a painting i'm actually excited about, wrote things that'll be published here in the future and other things that'll never be published at all, went to parties, wore lots of jewelry, costumes, and wacky makeup, danced, talked to my best friends for hours and hours about nothing and everything, took lots of pictures, got kissed a bunch, made new friends, enjoyed life.

As for the journal entry and my feelings about Mexico... 
People will tell you to get over shit all the time.
It's been a week, a month, a year?
Move on, get over it.
And maybe that works for them, i don't know.
But in my experience, there are just some things you never get over.
They fade and become less important, but some things will stay with you for the rest of your life, and i don't necessarily think that means you're a bad person, or a grudge holder.
Maybe it just means that you feel things deeper?
Or that your active imagination can transport you back in time, back to those moment, in a more vivid and emotional way than that of others?
I am the kind of person who strives to live in the now, work hard on it even.
And i really, truly enjoy every moment of being alive, cause you never know how long you're here for.
But i'll still always have one foot in the past.
So don't tell me to get over it.
Just accept that this is how i deal, and this is who i am.