Monday, October 26, 2015


If someone were to ask me what 2015 has been like so far, i wouldn't know what to say yet.
So much happened, so many conflicting feelings, so much joy and so much confusion.
Like, how do you even begin to describe something that big?
It's like describing the ocean or the person you love.

If last year was the year i was born, this is the year i learned to crawl.
So with any luck, i'll be walking by 2016.
I hope so.
I can't wait to run.

Here's a random mix of pictures from London, Neukölln, and the Danish countryside, just because i felt like posting something tonight.
I think that one of the field was the only analog photo i took on that trip to Denmark!
Sometimes dragging that heavy camera around the globe just for the possibility of getting a good shot seems kinda silly, but i know i'd regret not bringing it.

I am currently completely out of film, and i'm actually considering getting cheap drugstore film at this point.
Expensive hobbies are the actual worst.

Tuesday, October 20, 2015

J'étais censé t'aimer, mais j'ai vu l'averse

I just did that thing where i wrote a long post, read it a few times, then decided that i wasn't feeling it.
Not today anyway.
But at least i have new analog photos to post!
Not that this film was pure gold, far from it. 
But that sunflower picture isn't too bad.

From the iPhone journal:

In my past life, i wore no makeup.
I faced the world every day, barefaced and vulnerable.
The real me, on display, but hidden at the same time.
These days, a  part of my morning is spent putting on a face that isn't quite mine.
That's the face that faces the world, the face that people meet for the first time, the face that still smiles at strangers on the metro.
Less vulnerable, perhaps, but at the same time, more me.

The sunflowers are from the community garden at Tempelhof Airfield.
That place is magical, you guys.
It's really not far from my apartment, and i've walked there a couple of times with my camera in recent weeks.
It feels like it's the last call for taking good pictures outdoors, no?
It's getting darker and i'm personally dreading not being able to take any decent pictures for the next god knows how many months.
Fellow analog enthusiasts, what do you do in the long, cold winter months?
Shoot more indoors? Do portraits?
I'd love to hear your ideas on the subject in the comments.

In other news, my heart is pretty light.
I'm as lost as always, but i have so much to be thankful for, it's kind of ridiculous.
People in particular.
I'm in good company these days.


Thursday, October 1, 2015

Life in the now

It's October 1st and i woke up with a strange urge to start fresh, start over.
To somehow make this month different than the last one.
I normally don't even notice what today's date is unless it's someone's birthday, but today feels different.
I'm not sure how or why, but i think it started yesterday.
It was probably just a result of drinking way too much coffee, and riding my bike too fast in the cold but sunny autumn weather, but for most of the day i was feeling so alive i was worried my enthusiasm might cause me to break something.
Is that happiness? I think it is.
Happiness for me is usually very brief and not caused by anything in particular.
Just a feeling of being alive and present in the moment.
Or feeling like i belong, like i felt like i belong in Berlin yesterday.

It didn't last all day.
Feelings fueled partially by caffeine rarely do, so during dinner at a pasta place not too far from here i kind of crashed, and my night was a quiet one, spent watching The Blacklist in slow motion on my shitty, old laptop, and taking pictures of the hamster.
Nothing special, but i still felt good.
Just a bit more alive than usual.

Today i slept in, as i have ever since coming back from London, and i stayed in bed for at least an hour after that, checking instagram and chatting with Wendy on Whatsapp.
But now, again, after nothing particularly great or interesting has even happened, the feeling is back.
That feeling of wanting to do something drastic, something radical, something that makes this not just another Thursday.
Something that can express this feeling of being in the moment, and belonging there.
Maybe i should cut my hair, get tattooed, or start a painting?
Perhaps it's time to burn all of my old journals.
I'll probably do none of those things, but i will write, and i will plan!
And hopefully later today someone i like will kiss me, and even later in the evening i will be with my friends, and i will laugh and drink.
And as usual, i will take pictures, to try and capture the moment, so when i need it, when i'm having a bad day, i can go back and live in it.

These photos are from back in July, when i finally got to visit one of those abandoned places that's been on my to-visit list for ages.
It's an old brewery, not as old or eerie as the abandoned hospital, which i apparently forgot to post newer pictures from, but fun and photogenic, no less.

I went with Jessica, who besides being my roommate is also my partner in urban exploration and analog photography, and two other awesome Canadian chicks who were visiting Berlin at the time.
We had a great afternoon of climbing fences, taking pictures, telling scary stories and drinking lukewarm späti wine on top of a tower with a view over the then scorching hot city.
I felt alive and real on that day too.
And i'm happy i always remember to document those moments.