Saturday, July 18, 2015

Backup dreams

From the iPhone journal, a while back:

This morning i had a weird realization.
I'm at a place in my life where i've already had everything most of the people around me are working towards.
The marriage, the house, the business.
A car.
Not the babies, obviously, but the possibility of family nonetheless.
Had it, lost it.
That supposed dream life everyone is striving to achieve is already behind me, leaving me with a strange uncertainty... where am i supposed to go from here?
What's my new goal, do i even have dreams of my own?
I wasn't prepared, no one warned me.
No one told me that i needed to have backup dreams.

I think this, me not knowing, or not wanting the same things i did before, sometimes makes it hard for people to relate to me.
Single people don't understand why i'm not actively searching for "true love".
And married people feel uncomfortable around me, because i remind them that everything they have can fall apart at any time.

I don't know what i'm supposed to be, and when people ask, i still don't know what to answer.
I used to have all the answers.

So we got a new hamster!
Yeah, bet you didn't even know there were old hamsters, cause they were Wendy's and i didn't blog about them much.
But anyway, they both died, which was of course very sad.
They both had lovely funerals at the local park, though.
There were flowers and speeches, good stuff.
We waited a few days, but then decided that living in a hamster-free home was just too damn sad, so we got ourselves a new one.
It's a gold hamster, her name is Sriracha, and she's adorable.
And a little bitey, but we're working on that.
I'm gonna post pictures of her soon, but i kinda wanna wait until she's tame enough to hold.
We're working on that too.

Actually, i think that's my new dream.
To become one of those pet-people whose animal gets super instagram famous, and all of a sudden they have a book deal and go on TV and shit.
Yes. The hamster will eventually pay the bills.
That's what i'll tell people from now on.

These pictures might be even older than the journal entry.
They're from my trip to New York in April, to be more specific.
Not the best ones, or i would have put them in this post, but since i'm only halfway through my current film, Brooklyn, Brooklyn, more Brooklyn, and a view of Manhattan from the ferry is what you get!

Wednesday, July 15, 2015

The pain now is part of the happiness then. That’s the deal...

We took our best friend to the airport this morning.
By we i mean myself and my roommate Wendy, and our best friend would be the other Wendy.
It's ok if you're confused by that. Most people are.

It was early. We got up at 4 am.
We held hands all the way to Tegel, and we cried at the airport. Even after she went to the gate.
I've known since i met her, that her and her husband John would eventually move back to the US, but when i met her, i had no way of knowing that i'd just met one of my closest friends ever.
And i had no idea that i'd never be ready for them to leave.

People say we'll be fine, and we'll get over it.
Sure, whatever.
They've obviously never had a friend like her.

I'm pretty tired from being up early, and being all emotional and shit, so i don't wanna try and write any more than this.
But i felt like posting pictures of the three of us together.
Three weirdos who were somehow lucky enough to find each other in Berlin, and become family.
Three weirdos who will hopefully reunite in sunny California sooner rather than later!

At our housewarming party, before shit got real

At Havanna, my number one guilty-pleasure-club

At the market, cause we're all about the food

At Burgers and hiphop, dancing and drinking like we do best

At the house before going out this weekend, overdressed as fuck

In the old kitchen, probably shortly before the move

At our 2014 Halloween party

At Prince Charles, home of the bathroom selfies

At Cassiopeia, somewhere between me yelling at my ex's best friend for not warning me about his cheating (yeah, i was that girl), and Prindle pulling an Irish Goodbye (which she promised she wouldn't do!)

On Hermannstrasse the next day, walking back from getting ice cream in the rain

Monday, July 13, 2015

The feels

"That moment when you realize that you are better alone.
Better and happier.
Self awareness is such a bitch."

I think i was just so ready for someone to see me.
I longed for someone to see me, the real me, so much that i almost fell in love. 
Seriously, isn't that stupid?
After everything that has happened, i should know better, but there i was, having the feels anyway.
I'm fine, though. 
I said almost!
Guess i got out in time. Before a little something had the chance to become a bigger something.

My best friend said he saw me, she could see it in him. 
She's usually better at seeing these things than me.
And maybe for a second he really did. 
Maybe they see, but get spooked by the thought of commitment.
Maybe they see, but decide that what they see is something they can live without. 
High maintenance. Willing to change, but not for a guy. 
And that's fine.
The thought of everything that could possibly go wrong caused me a lot of unnecessary anxiety, so maybe i'm just not as ready as i thought i was. 
But whatever it was, whatever happened, it wasn't nothing.
It was a potential something.
And it's been a long fucking time since i've had even that in my life.
For one amazing moment it made me feel like maybe, just maybe, i deserve what everyone around me seems to have no trouble finding. 
Maybe i also deserve to be loved. 

So yeah, for a few days, about a month or so ago, that thought alone, that someone, be it this particular someone or any someone, could feel something for me, with all my flaws and quirks and scars, physical and emotional, made me so excited that it was almost impossible to wipe the smile off my face.
And that part was fun.
So was dating someone i actually liked. It was a welcome change from months of self-imposed celibacy, followed by months of of rather hopeless Berlin encounters.
But i still felt silly, almost allowing myself to get excited about someone. 
I mean, i wasn't exactly making plans for the future, i'm not that stupid, but i actually told people about him!
I never do that.

So why is it that this shit doesn't work out for me?
Just bad luck?
I know i've gotten a lot pickier about who i spend my time with, but what if that's not the real reason.
What if i'm just not relationship material?

I'm the girl that guys wanna fuck.
I know that much.
But what if that's it.
What if i'm just this funny, sexy, odd looking experiment.
Something to tell their friends about.
Something they have to try before they fall in love with a tall, pretty girl with just the outline of a star tattooed on her wrist. A girl whose long, straight hair still has its natural color. A girl who is graceful and doesn't trip over her own feet, or tries to turn every other word into a fucking pun, that only her equally goofy best friends find amusing.
Yeah, you try to fuck the quirky, loud mouthed, heavily tattooed girl. 
And maybe you even tell her how special she is, or how much you respect her.
But you don't girlfriend her. 

I worked hard be less sensitive.
To become someone who can switch off feelings when it comes to guys. To be a guy, basically.
But the thing is, all those defense mechanisms and guards you put up to avoid getting emotionally involved, have a tendency to fall to pieces when you meet someone whose particular brand of weirdness appeals to your own. 

Anyway, my walls may have fallen to pieces for a moment, but i didn't.
I'm fine.
I am tougher and less sensitive than ever before, but i still long for someone to see me.
Just not at any cost.
I'll be happy being alone, while waiting to meet someone who isn't easily scared.
Someone who thinks that spending time with me, getting to know me, and getting to be the only one in my arms and in my bed, is a privilege, not a chore.
Someone who will see me, and my dog and, and my friends and our home, and think "fuck yes, i wanna be a part of this".
That person may not exist, but i realize now that i am finally becoming less cynical.
I may even be hopeful.
And while i may be waiting, i am no longer looking.
I'm tired of looking for him.
It's his turn to look for me.

Friday, July 10, 2015

Return of the Mack

Well, what do you know, it's one of those,  "i am a blogger this is how my week was!" posts.
Or rather, the last many weeks. 
In pictures. 
Cause it's Friday night and i don't really have time to actually write anything.
I did, though, earlier. 
Write something.
But it's another emo post and i promised myself i'd give my readers a tiny break from those!
Just a tiny one.
Now that it's written, i probably won't be able to stop myself from posting it soon.

Anyway, it's been a busy month... two months?
However long it's been since i've played catch-up here.
So many visitors, so many house guests.
It's draining as fuck, but it's also my most favorite thing ever when friends visit, and i never want them to leave.
I was born to live in a commune, no doubt about that.

Oh, and i had a birthday, y'all.
Another amazing one.
Actually, it was almost exactly like the one i had last year, only in a new home, but still surrounded by lots of amazing people.
I spent the day at my friend Carly's place, eating brunch, getting day drunk and watching movies.
She surprised me with cake and champagne and a birthday song at one of our favorite café's on the way home, and at night a bunch of my best friends came over for pre-party and cake eating, before some of us went out for (you guessed it!), birthday karaoke.
It's almost a tradition at this point.
As usual, i sang everything from Adina Howard, to Courtney Love, to Stevie Nicks, to Divinyls, to Mark Morrison, and most songs ended up being beautiful (ahem) duets, cause sharing is caring, and singing together is just twice as fun.
When we finally left Monster Ronson, the sun was up, and i couldn't have been happier.

Oh hey, i did do some writing, eh?
Ok, not much, but i'll let my shitty phone pics speak for themselves.
Actually, no, cause i'll add captions too... you know what i mean!

Wendo and Guendo at Cocolo Ramen

Fucking Primark... my closet will eventually be 90% emoji t-shirts

Wendy bleached the shit out of my hair and i love it... now to find a place to get it cut...

My roommate Jessica, who never bakes, made me this amazing Wu-tang birthday cake

And party decorated our apartment so well that i only took the balloons down a few days ago

Me and Rahsan, possibly singing Billy Idol?

First contact with the outside world, post karaoke madness

The next day, going for coffee with Carly (yes, that was the "sobbing on trains" day, if you were wondering)

Looking for a used Kundera for Cristina at this magnificent bookstore

At the Wu-Tang show with Carly, selfying it up as usual

Pretty much every night is paint night around here, always is

Wendy Prindle bought me a new backpack cause she's the best, and my old one was falling apart

Sweetest Cristina

So sweet she agreed to model some clothes for Berlin Vintage Co.

I go on walks at night, even when i don't have the dog, and this night the sun was huge over Neukölln

Celebrating Ashley's birthday with tequila...

So. Much. Tequila. 15 shots each, to be precise...

Further progress... i haven't done acrylics on paper in years


Sometimes i can't believe i leave the house like this, but then i remember that i'm happy and i don't care

Real men let their wives paint their nails

Had a coffee at Roamers by myself that day, just cause i was out walking, and i felt like spending my last 3 euros somewhere nice

Last week, when i spent hours searching for somewhere to swim with Wendy Prindle

Between possible pool destinations, we found time for an obligatory photo booth shoot, one that was extra important cause she's leaving Berlin for good soon... don't even get me started...

Sommerbad Neukölln to the rescue

Biking in Berlin is awful compared to Copenhagen, but i still love it

Picking up Lucifer on a very hot day, ending up at Taiko

On our way across town, made it literally two stops before this guy overheated and i had to turn around and go home... the whole thing took an hour (!) and i missed a BBQ, but at least an old man hit on me by writing his number on a pack of gum, so hey, i got gum out of it

Fake birthdays are birthdays too

As if we even need a reason to wanna celebrate this person

Food, wine, chips, buddies

And water guns

Finished this the other day