Thursday, January 8, 2015

Wait, is it still a winter depression if you're not sad?

Sooo... that got a little heavy, huh?
As i said yesterday, i wasn't sure if publishing that post was a good idea, and i felt nervous doing it, but based on both the response, and how i'm feeling today, i now feel like it was the right thing to do.
Last night i went to bed with a somewhat still mind, or at least one that wasn't waking me up every five minutes with new questions, conclusions and doubts.
It's not that i now magically have closure, but i think this is as close as i'm ever gonna get to it, so i'll take it. And with that, maybe i can finally allow myself to forget all the hurt.

Yesterday wasn't all bad, though.
Life isn't all bad!
I actually had a very exciting meeting in the morning at my future apartment.
Yes, after almost six months of searching, i finally found a place, and it's perfect!
The wonderful lady who manages the house in Schöneberg i've been living in for two years, decided to come to my rescue and offer me an amazing apartment in Neukölln, one of the neighborhoods i've looked in most frequently.
It's big, too big for one person, but that turned out to be perfect too, as me and my current roommate Wendy had already decided at that point that we wanted to continue living together.
As you can see in the picture below, it's still being renovated, and we won't be able to move in until late February, but just going there and being in the apartment in its current state was amazing.
It already feels like home.
Late February seems like a million years away right now, but i'm willing time to go faster with the power of my mind.
Also, i'm considering going into actual hibernation, so that's an option too.

After the meeting at the apartment, i went to meet a friend for coffee.
At New Years we'd talked about how she should borrow some books from me, and by some kind of magical coincidence, i was able to find both of them that morning in my many moving boxes.
The book on the left in the top photo was recommended to me by a friend in Australia a few years ago, back when i was barely able to get on a bus by myself without having a panic attack.
I saw her life, how she was able to travel alone and explore the world, be fearless, get tattooed, and thought "i'll never be as strong as her, but i guess i'll read it anyway!"
It's not a cure-all to anxiety issues, and to be honest, i didn't stop having panic attacks until the breakup with my ex husband a year ago, but it did teach me how to live with, and understand, my anxiety, and i now live a life free of fear.
I've been thinking about sharing that book on the blog for a long time, as i've written multiple posts about my struggles with anxiety over the years, and i know a lot of my readers have had similar issues.
Maybe it'll help them as it did me.
The book is From panic to Power by Lucinda Bassett, and it looks like a typical cheesy American self help book, doesn't it?
Maybe so, but if there's a chance it can help you too, don't you owe it to yourself to read it?
The second book in the picture, Wherever You Go, There You Are, is the book that taught me mindfulness and meditation, something often recommended to people who suffer from anxiety, but it's also just a great book to read if you wanna learn how to meditate, or how to practice mindfulness in your everyday life.

Now, that's enough for me today, i think.
I'm gonna go make some tacos, and then eat them while painting and watching Stargate Atlantis.
Yes, i am turning into a sad hermit, but i tell myself that it's winter and it's ok.

Our new home... i can't wait to live here

Monday i got back into my usual Les Mills Combat workout routine, after a long break. 
I didn't have my laptop in Mexico, so all i did there was walk a lot and do fifty sit-ups every morning, which was fine, but this feels so much better, as the picture clearly shows!

A painting that started as a tattoo design in Mexico is almost as good as finished
Coffee at Roamers, which i will soon live even closer to, and that is not a bad thing

No, i didn't eat the carrot cake, but next time, that sucker is mine...

My friends need to come home because i miss them so much, but they also need to come home because constantly texting them is making me physically deformed

Started sketching this before i went to Mexico, and i'm stoked to finally be painting it

Bad experiences luckily didn't affect my love for Mexican art, architecture, food... or reggaeton

Hey Guys Girl Gang (and Sean)'s guide to being a classy bitch for New Years

Hey Guys Girl Gang (and Box)'s guide to being a bad bitch for New Years


  1. The apartment situation could not have worked out any better. Go, go, go 2015!
    I'm also going to check out From Panic To Power. Thanks for posting about it.
    Last comment for tonight, promise :)

    1. No, no, keep them coming haha!
      You really should check that books, tons of good stuff in it.

  2. Thanks sooo much for the book recommendation (anxiety!). Will read asap! <3