Thursday, January 29, 2015

You know you're sick when...

When you dig up drafts from almost a year ago just to have something to post that requires minimum effort.
I actually had drafts way older than this one too.
They're like ghosts now.
Some of them are written and ready to publish, but it's too late for them, their relevance is long gone.
I almost feel bad for them.

The photos here were taken around the time i wrote this post.
I know because i went sightseeing with Amanda, Cameron, Cristina and Ashley back in March, and i haven't been to the Holocaust Memorial since that day.
This was around the time i learned that being single means you have to fight to get included.
People will forget to include you when you're not in a couple.
You'll feel sad and discriminated, but most of the time, people won't even realize that they're doing it.
So part of being single, in my experience, is making that extra effort to get included.
And that means having to be pushy, a bit annoying, and sometimes, it even means inviting yourself to tag along on what was probably supposed to be a double date!

I had a relatively good sleep last night.
A combination of drugs brought over by my friends meant that i almost slept through the night without too much pain and fever.
And today has pretty much been all about sleeping.
I did Japanese homework for about forty minutes and after that, i felt like i'd run a goddamn marathon.
Then i answered a couple of etsy emails, and now i'm back on drugs and back in bed.
And i'll most likely stay here for the rest of the day.
I'm annoyed and impatient and full of FOMO, but this shit takes time, and at this point, i'm just hoping to feel well enough to go to class tomorrow.
Ah, just the thought of being on the ubahn is thrilling!
How terribly sad is that?

Wednesday, January 28, 2015

Pathetic little me

As i mentioned in the previous post, i've been surrounded by some of my favorite people for the better part of a week.
We had plans every day.
We went out sightseeing, and coffee drinking, out for dinner, and of course partying.
Maybe a little too much partying, because on Monday, my body finally shut down.
I gots the ebola.
Or the flu, but whatever it is, it's the worst i've had in a long time, and i'm sure it wouldn't have happened if i'd taken it a little easier.

But my friends were visiting, and i don't get to see them nearly as much as i want, so there was no way i was gonna miss out on precious hang times.
In other words, i feel like death, but it was totally worth it.
And luckily i didn't get sick until the day they had to leave.
And even luckier, is the fact that i have my girls to look after me when i'm sick.
They've been making me dinner and breakfast, bringing me medicine, and taking Lucifer for walks.
Basically they're better than any boyfriend.

On Tuesday i had to cancel Japanese class, even though i obviously didn't want to, but instead of going ahead and having the lesson without me, which would have been perfectly reasonable, my teacher and classmate decided to skip class all together and wait for me to get well.
People can be pretty awesome.

It's only day two, but i'm getting severe cabin fever already, so i'm hoping i'll be able to beat this by resting one just more day.
I have to, i can't stand just lying around doing nothing, but i don't have the energy to do anything.
Ugh, i actually feel like i should apologize for this boring ass, poorly written post, but if you keep in mind that i'm running a fever, i'm sure you'll forgive me.
Cause you're pretty awesome too.

Eggs Florentine at Taubenschlag

Crappy photo of me and the Wendies at breakfast with Ashley and Cristina

Happy faces all around cause we got seaweed tempura chips and goma dressing

Saturday night, going to a mask party... if it looks like i made that thing in about ten minutes, it's because i did

Mask came off for the obligatory Prince Charles bathroom selfie with Carly (also, mine was getting itchy and no one else was wearing theirs either!)

Moon over Berlin

Another Taubenschlag coffee date, and i know it looks like i'm sick already but i was actually just tired

Drinks at Stagger Lee

Coffee at 25 Hours Hotel, which is usually awesome, but it was Cristina's last day, we were all feeling a bit sensitive, and they kept playing sad music... not cool

They didn't have the Five Elephant cheesecake, but these peanut butter squares were just as good

Another good bathroom selfie spot... we have these all over town!

There was an ice skating rink just outside the hotel, but we were too cold and moody to try it out... next time though!

Lunch at Ixthys was delicious as always, and i'll tell you more about this place in a later post, promise

 Me today... drinking tea, drinking hot water and ginger, drinking more tea, taking painkillers and generally being bored and achy and miserable

Friday, January 23, 2015


Last night there was a party, and today i am in hangover hell.
But at least i'm trapped in this hellish state with a bunch of my favorite people.
I can't tell you how much of a difference it makes to not only have my friends and my roommate back, but to also have some of my favorite people visiting at the same time.
After weeks, months, with too much time spent by myself, i'm practically ecstatic to be surrounded by people again.

The one thing i've enjoyed most about living in a house as big as this one, has been the ability to offer people a place to stay at all times. I think maybe i was meant to live in a commune!
I love being alone while still having people around.
It seems almost crazy to me now that i ever considered not having a roommate, so i guess in the end it was good that none of the many apartments i looked at worked out.

Now, time for pizza and movies.
Because a pizza and movie night with friends is the best hangover cure.

Here are a few more pictures from Tepoztlán, mainly from the climb up to, and view from, Tepozteco
Come to think of it, i did that climb with a hangover.
Considering that i survived that, i'll probably survive the four minute walk to the pizza place too.

Wednesday, January 21, 2015

Future nostalgia

Today is the day that my second Wendy returns to Berlin.
It's a special day, not only because she's been missed, but because i feel that her finally coming back will somehow bring us closer to living in our new home.
The painters are probably there right now, working on it, and i desperately wanna go there and help them... or bring them lots of coffee and pizza to help speed up the process!

I may have started looking for apartments in August, but i've been homeless for a year.
I have a roof over my head, and i get to take a shower every morning, and i'm grateful for that, but as far as i'm concerned, this isn't my home anymore.
I'm just some squatter with one foot out the door.
Someone who tries their best to be invisible, as to not bother the couple that lives downstairs.
I'm a rat in the attic of someone else's house.

I started packing months ago, so it doesn't even look like a home anymore.
Just kinda creepy and bare, a shadow of the cozy nest that it used to be.
It's crazy to think that i worked on this place for a year, ruined my shoulders and wrists painting and carrying furniture and boxes much too heavy for my relatively small frame.
And now, i can't wait to get out of here.
I feel like i should feel something for this place, considering that this was my dream house, and it used to make me so happy to just think about the fact that i lived here, but nope... nothing.
The only thing i'm nostalgic for is what's to come.
Decorating, having friends over for movie and paint nights, drinking coffee on the balcony, getting visits from my parents again, studying Japanese in my room.
Basically just... having a home.

The only area of the apartment, besides the kitchen, that still vaguely resembles a home, the rest has been in boxes for months

Me and Mandy cuddling up to pimp mama Shannon

That day we tried to have breakfast at Roamers, but they were full, and we ended up at Tischendorf instead

In Japanese class we recently started on Kanji, and sometimes the homework is so hard it makes me wanna rip my hair out and throw things, but then i get to class, and it's so fun and so challenging, it's totally worth the frustration

Very small painting based on an old pencil drawing

Last week after Japanese class i went to Heno Heno by myself and had a delicious and cheap yasai don for dinner

When you're so hungover that you wanna die, but somehow manage to drag your sorry ass to the pizza place, and you come home and your pizza is like "there, there, i love you too"

Another Mexico sketch that became a painting

I got a bag of new old clothes from my friends that are moving, and i'm particularly stoked on this epic hoodie

Why i was hungover on Sunday...

Uhm, and this... blurry but you get the idea!

Monday, January 19, 2015

In Centro

I was in bed all day yesterday.
Only got out of the house twice. Once for pizza and once for chips.
Oh yes, so very hungover after a classic Berlin karaoke night with the gang.
God, i love it here.

This week my roommate is finally returning from the land of koalas and Tim Tam's.
It feels like she's been gone for a year, at least, and i just spent the last couple of hours cleaning the apartment so it's all pretty for her homecoming.
Also happening this week, good friends visiting from Italy, and a very close friend leaving Berlin for good to move to Ireland.
I'm expecting this week to be a bit of an emotional roller coaster... so basically the same as any other week!

I know i say this a lot, but i really appreciate all the positive response i've gotten since getting back into regular blogging.
It inspires me to keep writing and keep sharing.
So thanks.

Here are some randoms from an afternoon spent in Centro Histórico, just me and my camera, and way too many people for my taste.

Friday, January 16, 2015


As soon as things ended with the Mexican i was dating again.
It was what i did before i met him, so it seemed natural to jump right back in.
I needed the distraction, and i needed the attention.
I needed to not feel like a discarded piece of trash, once again.

Dating was never something i did before getting married, ever, but since the separation, i haven't had any problems getting asked out.
Much to my surprise, guys seemed to like me, something i simply wasn't aware of before, having worn the blinders of marriage for so many years.
I assumed that my tattoos, my goofy personality, my age, or the fact that i was still married would be a problem, but apparently none of that seemed to bother anyone.
So back in the spring of 2014 i started going on dates.

For someone like me, who's always suffered from social phobias and low self esteem, who comes from a country that barely has a dating culture, and who had at the time been married for over twelve years, the prospect of going out for drinks or coffee with a stranger was terrifying, to put it mildly.
It was something old me would have been much too scared to even consider, but new me didn't let fear get in the way.
I only lasted for a few weeks, the drinks, the coffee, the flirting, and then i met him, and quickly forgot about the rest.

Back to present time, where i was following the previous pattern, the pattern that worked for me last time, when i suddenly realized that, well, it's not working anymore.
I guess i've been treating this as a minor breakup, something to quickly get past and get over, but the truth is that it wasn't that minor for me.
I was in love. In fact i was crazy in love, and that makes it major.
And maybe i have to start treating it as that. Which probably means taking some time off.
Time to stop forcing it, time to heal.

I don't think i've ever preferred my own company over that of others before in my entire life, so when i first started isolating myself, staying home and painting, saying no to dates, i thought maybe i was depressed.
And i very well might be, but that's not all there is to it.
The thing is, none of them excited me. None of them mattered.
And the fact that i wasn't able to feel a connection with anyone just made me feel more sad.
Was he it? Will i ever feel like that about someone ever again?
And if empty encounters are all there is out there for me right now, wouldn't i just rather be alone or with my girlfriends, than with some random asshole who expects me to jump into bed with him after a few hours of small talk? No, seriously, they do. And no, i don't. So...

So i stay here.
It's Friday night and i'm blogging, and i'm wearing sweatpants, and i'll probably start a painting, and tomorrow i'll go dancing with my friends.
And i'll feel weird about not needing the attention, the distraction.
But i'll give myself permission to feel sad, to feel disconnected, to change my mind, to be confused, to feel it all, to not feel anything.

From the still ongoing non-travel iPhone journal...

You feel the pull of loneliness
You roll over and there's someone there 
Warm body
And if there isn't, you roll over and your phone is there 
Someone who misses you too is on there
I roll over and... nothing 
The phone is as empty as the bed 
Except for the odd message from someone wanting to see me naked 
But none of that is real and it only adds to the emptiness 
In ways they couldn't possibly understand 
And in those moments, I suddenly remember you too well 
The body remembers what the mind tries to forget

Ugh, so emo. 
Anyway, the pictures in this post are from the day after i came back from Mexico.
I was trying to finish a film quickly so i could take it to the lab.
Not included: several photos of my bedroom floor!
Not my finest work, but i still kinda like the one of my beautiful Wendies.
And the top one. I like that too.

Thursday, January 15, 2015


These pictures are from an afternoon we spent at Mercado de Sonora, a huge market especially well known for its herbal medicine and occult items.
So obviously i loved it.
I remember telling my friends that i liked going to busy places like this one with him, cause he'd always hold my hand and be very protective.
Now i'm thinking he was literally just dragging me through all these places, so he could go see his other girlfriend faster. Or, "go skating", as he'd call it.
I used to think skateboarding was his day job, but now i'm thinking that the day job was me.
"I'll take stupid Flora sightseeing real quick, so i can go spend time with the person i actually like".
Oh, hindsight, you're such a bitch.

Anyway, the market was great!
I loved the busyness, the smells, the flowers and herbs, the cheap souvenirs, the black magic props.
And much to my own surprise, i didn't cry even cry once while walking through the quite horrific animal market, something i almost certainly would have done a year ago, proving that i really have toughened up a lot.
I don't know if that's a good or a bad thing, but it's a necessary thing.

I bough a small santeria bag, that may or may not be cursing my entire existence right now, and a religious painting for myself, and a little wooden toy truck for my nephew.
And i totally ate the shit out of those fried bananas with jam and condensed milk.

Mexico City...
I'm gonna be sad when i eventually run out of pictures to post, cause even with everything that happened, i don't think i'll ever get tired of looking at this magical place.