I don't know what feels more sad.
Posting pictures from December, a month i've spent being stressed out and in mourning, or posting pictures from before, and remembering.
I've said it before, but when it comes to breakups, everything gets divided into before's and after's.
December was a daze for me.
Once i stopped crying, i stopped caring.
I stopped cleaning my room, i stopped giving a shit about anything but work.
Every day was spent under water, gasping, struggling to come up for air.
I'm coming out of it now, but i'm not over it, i haven't quite healed.
It takes time, and the truth is, it get's harder every time.
I'm not gonna write about it. More about it, that is.
That's not true. I did write about it.
Pages, notes, unpublished posts.
I wrote and wrote, but i'm not gonna put it out there this time, at least not right now.
Everything still hurts, and although i feel a little better, i'm still processing, i'm trying to understand.
Trying to figure out what i did wrong, how i can protect myself better in the future.
Trying to forgive myself and the one i still love.
So here are some pictures from a shitty month to end an uhm, questionable year.
And some from October and November too, just because it's been a while.
I'm in the country now, home for Christmas, as i'm sure some of you have guessed, since that's usually the only time i actually have the time to blog!
I'm enjoying a few precious days with my old friends and my family.
Enjoying being able to relax when i'm sick, which i am, and nap when i'm sleepy, which oh my god i am.
Most of all i'm enjoying a break from my life in Berlin, which is never boring but also, it seems, never fucking easy.
Spreewald trip with my parents back in October
We rented a house, went sightseeing, sailing, and took gangsta ass portraits
I guess i did some redecorating back when this was taken? This corner looks a lot different since i basically stopped giving a shit about my room. Hopefully that's a temporary state as well...
Madonna appreciation society
This was a while ago
From that Madonna party, tried some Blonde Ambition curls and failed, but the party was fun
Random hangover day with Ip Man and junkfood
Potsdam mornings... i'm not gonna miss them!
Back when i still had some time to paint, and also wanted to
This must have been in October too, cause everything is dead now
This is not true, and the next day it was gone, but on this day, when i was heading from work to a job interview, it was exactly what i needed to see
This was about 15 minutes before the interview.
I had a matcha latte and took a selfie for good luck... and i got the job
Feeble decorating attempts
From another party... not posting the waist down, or my squad for that matter, because we weren't exactly sfw
The fact that i've used the tub more than once this year, isn't saying anything good about my stress levels and overall mental health
In 2016 i finally learned how to braid my hair, poorly, and also learned how to open a beer using a fork or a lighter, also poorly
Thanksgiving, i get choked up when i think about how genuinely thankful i was that night
In the days after it happened, my face was so ravaged by grief i could barely recognize myself, but thanks to the support of good friends, i had stopped crying and started eating by the time i started my new job
About a week after i started my new job, i started to bring this guy along with me.
He's bored, nine hours is a long time to lie around doing nothing, but it's better than being alone, and on my lunch break, we go for a walk
I work in Kreuzberg now, which means i can meet friends after work! This was on a weekend though, i remember because i had a massive hangover and made Wendy take me for pizza and beer
I bribed him with snacks to get him to sit still for this double portrait
The company i now work for had a birthday, and we all got free cake (obviously i couldn't pick just one...)
Lunch break exploration in Bergmannkiez, where i spotted this magical backyard
A month later, and i'm slowly starting to smile again
Lucifer works in fashion now, so i make him wear a scarf... i figured at least one of us has to dress the part
The company Christmas party had a dress code, and i somehow ended up looking like Cher from Clueless... i also got drunk and acted like a hot mess, but that was kind of expected
When i arrived in Copenhagen a few days ago, i stayed with Mille and her adorable, recently expanded family
This guy is pretty new, and so very cute
The next morning i met up with Martin and Christel to catch up and drink coffee while they did the last Christmas shopping, and i just enjoyed being with my friends and not having to rush through Copenhagen for once
Because they're awesome, Martin and Christel got me early Christmas gifts! Which was extra appreciated this year, cause i knew i was probably only getting one lol
These are my nephews. Gilbert is almost five and he knows exactly who i am. We're good friends.
Julius had no clue as to who i was, which is fair enough with him being a baby and me living in Berlin, but he's gotten used to me already
We ran into some very loud geese while buying Christmas tree
White Christmas? More like wet Christmas
Yesterday the sun was out, so me and my mom went for a quick, and windy, walk on the beach
Gilbert and his mom decorated the tree while i held the baby.
I think they did a great job
He's easily amused. Clearly we're related