Until that happens, at least i have a distraction, a distraction called life-is-little-more-than-work-and-work-is-numbness.
It's something to be done.
I go, i'm on autopilot, i'm out-of-body.
Or more like i'm the tiny alien operating the Flora vessel.
And every day after work, after two trains and a tram, after competing for a seat and ignoring the coughing and and the smelling and the nose blowing and the smoking-a-cigarette-on-the-tracks-then-entering-the-train-while-still-exhaling-smoke and the staring, oh the staring!
You avert, you stare back, you do everything but yell "you're not supposed to stare at people you're an adult and it's rude what the fuck is wrong with you?!" and still their cold, grey, emotionless eyes just stay fixed on you, judging and not even caring that you know.
Hah. I'm fine, commuting is fine.
Anyway, every day after... that, i go home, hoping that once inside the apartment, my body and soul will reunite and become who i was, someone who'll paint and laugh and listen to music like they used to, but it doesn't happen, cause the vessel is so exhausted it's practically shaking, and the tiny alien operator don't have the means or the energy to try to waken it.
So they both do what the have to do to survive: eat, walk the dog, write maybe one important email, do some dishes, wash face, look at face in complete disbelief.
Brush teeth.
Confront own mortality.
And then they look at the time and go: "holy shit how did it get this late!?" and they tell each other: "Tomorrow. Tomorrow we will be "i" and i will have just a little more energy, just enough to do something with passion, even for a few minutes".
And when that does happen?
Those few minutes are what i live for.
I've started drinking coffee at night as soon as i get home from work, and it helps.
As if i don't drink enough coffee to stay awake during the day.
Lol.
On a more positive note, weekends are finally something i look forward to.
I used to hate them, not for being much like the other days of the week, although for a while they were, but for being a reminder of what i didn't have.
Someone.
Someone whose happy thought was to spend a Sunday with me.
That's all i wanted, just to be someone's happy thought.
And for a short time i think i was, until suddenly i wasn't, and weekends again became painful reminders of my loneliness, but even worse than before.
Now, weekends are for sleeping late.
Late these days meaning 10 am.
And for spending time with my dog, who during the week sees my flatmates more than he sees me.
It's for doing laundry and watering plants and seeing my room bathed in daylight.
For working out, cause i can't do that every morning anymore.
For writing at a cafe, cause i need to see something besides my room, my cubicle, and the damn train.
And occasionally for drinking and dancing and spending the day in bed hungover watching bad tv.
Weekends are now a rare privilege, and not necessarily one that needs to be shared with another person.
Not that i don't miss it, miss him, i do, but no more or less on Sundays.
So for that i'm grateful for my new routine, for the numbness, for the job that takes a little bite out of my soul every day, instead of feeding it.
For the quiet hopelessness of working out of necessity rather than passion.
For this separation between body and soul.
I love my room, and the crazy plants invading it
I made a few prints of this painting and sold them, there is no greater feeling in the world than that
That time i decided to break through a fence and go urban exploring on my lunch break
Totally worth it... when life isn't magical, you must try extra hard to make magic happen
More prints, these now live at my friend Carly's place here in Berlin
Lucifer has had to get used to a different lifestyle, now that i can't stay home with him, but he's handled it so well, and he loves his new flatmates
That time i needed to take passport photos for my insurance, and i realized that my face is Harrison Ford level asymmetrical
One morning in Potsdam, the fog was irresistible
The flower shop next to the bakery where i get my morning coffee
Shopping last weekend, you bet i bought this
I made some backpacks out of kitten tote bags, and put them
on my etsy
I miss the ubahn, actually
I made a friend on another lunch break, he was like a cartoon character basically
Awful picture of a great breakfast very late on Sunday afternoon... i've had a great weekend