Sunday, December 25, 2016

Clueless



I don't know what feels more sad. 
Posting pictures from December, a month i've spent being stressed out and in mourning, or posting pictures from before, and remembering. 
I've said it before, but when it comes to breakups, everything gets divided into before's and after's. 

December was a daze for me. 
Once i stopped crying, i stopped caring. 
I stopped cleaning my room, i stopped giving a shit about anything but work. 
Every day was spent under water, gasping, struggling to come up for air. 

I'm coming out of it now, but i'm not over it, i haven't quite healed. 
It takes time, and the truth is, it get's harder every time. 

I'm not gonna write about it. More about it, that is.
The details. 
That's not true. I did write about it. 
Pages, notes, unpublished posts. 
I wrote and wrote, but i'm not gonna put it out there this time, at least not right now. 
Everything still hurts, and although i feel a little better, i'm still processing, i'm trying to understand.
Trying to figure out what i did wrong, how i can protect myself better in the future. 
Trying to forgive myself and the one i still love. 

So here are some pictures from a shitty month to end an uhm, questionable year. 
And some from October and November too, just because it's been a while. 

I'm in the country now, home for Christmas, as i'm sure some of you have guessed, since that's usually the only time i actually have the time to blog! 
I'm enjoying a few precious days with my old friends and my family. 
Enjoying being able to relax when i'm sick, which i am, and nap when i'm sleepy, which oh my god i am.
Most of all i'm enjoying a break from my life in Berlin, which is never boring but also, it seems, never fucking easy.



Spreewald trip with my parents back in October

We rented a house, went sightseeing, sailing, and took gangsta ass portraits

I guess i did some redecorating back when this was taken? This corner looks a lot different since i basically stopped giving a shit about my room. Hopefully that's a temporary state as well...

Madonna appreciation society

This was a while ago

From that Madonna party, tried some Blonde Ambition curls and failed, but the party was fun

Random hangover day with Ip Man and junkfood 

Potsdam mornings... i'm not gonna miss them!

Back when i still had some time to paint, and also wanted to

Yeah, so

This must have been in October too, cause everything is dead now

This is not true, and the next day it was gone, but on this day, when i was heading from work to a job interview, it was exactly what i needed to see

This was about 15 minutes before the interview.
I had a matcha latte and took a selfie for good luck... and i got the job

Feeble decorating attempts

From another party... not posting the waist down, or my squad for that matter, because we weren't exactly sfw 

The fact that i've used the tub more than once this year, isn't saying anything good about my stress levels and overall mental health

In 2016 i finally learned how to braid my hair, poorly, and also learned how to open a beer using a fork or a lighter, also poorly

Thanksgiving, i get choked up when i think about how genuinely thankful i was that night

In the days after it happened, my face was so ravaged by grief i could barely recognize myself, but thanks to the support of good friends, i had stopped crying and started eating by the time i started my new job

About a week after i started my new job, i started to bring this guy along with me. 
He's bored, nine hours is a long time to lie around doing nothing, but it's better than being alone, and on my lunch break, we go for a walk

I work in Kreuzberg now, which means i can meet friends after work! This was on a weekend though, i remember because i had a massive hangover and made Wendy take me for pizza and beer

I bribed him with snacks to get him to sit still for this double portrait

The company i now work for had a birthday, and we all got free cake (obviously i couldn't pick just one...)

Lunch break exploration in Bergmannkiez, where i spotted this magical backyard

Mallrats

A month later, and i'm slowly starting to smile again

Lucifer works in fashion now, so i make him wear a scarf... i figured at least one of us has to dress the part

The company Christmas party had a dress code, and i somehow ended up looking like Cher from Clueless... i also got drunk and acted like a hot mess, but that was kind of expected

When i arrived in Copenhagen a few days ago, i stayed with Mille and her adorable, recently expanded family

This guy is pretty new, and so very cute

The next morning i met up with Martin and Christel to catch up and drink coffee while they did the last Christmas shopping, and i just enjoyed being with my friends and not having to rush through Copenhagen for once

Because they're awesome, Martin and Christel got me early Christmas gifts! Which was extra appreciated this year, cause i knew i was probably only getting one lol

These are my nephews. Gilbert is almost five and he knows exactly who i am. We're good friends.
Julius had no clue as to who i was, which is fair enough with him being a baby and me living in Berlin, but he's gotten used to me already

We ran into some very loud geese while buying Christmas tree

White Christmas? More like wet Christmas

Yesterday the sun was out, so me and my mom went for a quick, and windy, walk on the beach

Gilbert and his mom decorated the tree while i held the baby. 
I think they did a great job

He's easily amused. Clearly we're related

Monday, December 5, 2016

Incomplete




I used to have a heart, and when i saw you it would sing.

I walk around without a heart now.


Pictures from San Francisco, September 2016.







Thursday, November 24, 2016

Pre-dystopia




The world is a very different place than it was when i wrote my last post, isn't it?
We all woke up in a new reality the day after the election.

I had tried to stay awake and failed, but i could hear the news anchors talking as i fell in and out of sleep, both from my computer next to the bed, and from the living room where Patrick and Angus were camped out with chips, cheese, and energy drinks.

At one point i woke up. It was about 4 or 5 in the morning.
Patrick came into the bedroom and i looked up and i asked him what was happening, and he simply replied "it doesn't look good" and for a moment i thought i was still sleeping.

In the morning, when the outcome had gone from nightmarish fantasy to actual fact of life, we sat next to each other on the bed, watching the speech, holding each other, still in complete disbelief.
I remember crying a bit and i remember saying "i will never forget this moment".
And i remember saying "i'm so glad we went to the States when we did, because i am never going back" and he said "no, we are never going back".

Now, a few weeks later, i can't tell if i still feel that way, or if taking a stand like that even matters in this post-truth world we are finding ourselves in.
But i guess i am still glad we went when we did.