Monday, July 13, 2015

The feels

"That moment when you realize that you are better alone.
Better and happier.
Self awareness is such a bitch."

I think i was just so ready for someone to see me.
I longed for someone to see me, the real me, so much that i almost fell in love. 
Seriously, isn't that stupid?
After everything that has happened, i should know better, but there i was, having the feels anyway.
I'm fine, though. 
I said almost!
Guess i got out in time. Before a little something had the chance to become a bigger something.

My best friend said he saw me, she could see it in him. 
She's usually better at seeing these things than me.
And maybe for a second he really did. 
Maybe they see, but get spooked by the thought of commitment.
Maybe they see, but decide that what they see is something they can live without. 
High maintenance. Willing to change, but not for a guy. 
And that's fine.
The thought of everything that could possibly go wrong caused me a lot of unnecessary anxiety, so maybe i'm just not as ready as i thought i was. 
But whatever it was, whatever happened, it wasn't nothing.
It was a potential something.
And it's been a long fucking time since i've had even that in my life.
For one amazing moment it made me feel like maybe, just maybe, i deserve what everyone around me seems to have no trouble finding. 
Maybe i also deserve to be loved. 

So yeah, for a few days, about a month or so ago, that thought alone, that someone, be it this particular someone or any someone, could feel something for me, with all my flaws and quirks and scars, physical and emotional, made me so excited that it was almost impossible to wipe the smile off my face.
And that part was fun.
So was dating someone i actually liked. It was a welcome change from months of self-imposed celibacy, followed by months of of rather hopeless Berlin encounters.
But i still felt silly, almost allowing myself to get excited about someone. 
I mean, i wasn't exactly making plans for the future, i'm not that stupid, but i actually told people about him!
I never do that.

So why is it that this shit doesn't work out for me?
Just bad luck?
I know i've gotten a lot pickier about who i spend my time with, but what if that's not the real reason.
What if i'm just not relationship material?

I'm the girl that guys wanna fuck.
I know that much.
But what if that's it.
What if i'm just this funny, sexy, odd looking experiment.
Something to tell their friends about.
Something they have to try before they fall in love with a tall, pretty girl with just the outline of a star tattooed on her wrist. A girl whose long, straight hair still has its natural color. A girl who is graceful and doesn't trip over her own feet, or tries to turn every other word into a fucking pun, that only her equally goofy best friends find amusing.
Yeah, you try to fuck the quirky, loud mouthed, heavily tattooed girl. 
And maybe you even tell her how special she is, or how much you respect her.
But you don't girlfriend her. 

I worked hard be less sensitive.
To become someone who can switch off feelings when it comes to guys. To be a guy, basically.
But the thing is, all those defense mechanisms and guards you put up to avoid getting emotionally involved, have a tendency to fall to pieces when you meet someone whose particular brand of weirdness appeals to your own. 

Anyway, my walls may have fallen to pieces for a moment, but i didn't.
I'm fine.
I am tougher and less sensitive than ever before, but i still long for someone to see me.
Just not at any cost.
I'll be happy being alone, while waiting to meet someone who isn't easily scared.
Someone who thinks that spending time with me, getting to know me, and getting to be the only one in my arms and in my bed, is a privilege, not a chore.
Someone who will see me, and my dog and, and my friends and our home, and think "fuck yes, i wanna be a part of this".
That person may not exist, but i realize now that i am finally becoming less cynical.
I may even be hopeful.
And while i may be waiting, i am no longer looking.
I'm tired of looking for him.
It's his turn to look for me.


  1. Tak. Du satte lige ord på alt det jeg har brugt det sidste år på at tænke over og forholde mig til. Hvor meget vil jeg lave om på, finde mig i for en fyr. Jeg savner nærheden, men ikke for enhver pris. Jeg vil ikke være nogens projekt eller hende de bare knalder. Så hellere undvære og være glad i mit eget og mine venners selskab.

    1. Phew, jeg blev helt lettet da jeg så din kommentar, for jeg er aldrig rigtig sikker på om jeg formulerer ting så folk kan forstå dem, eller om jeg bare snakker lort haha.
      Men helt enig. Hellere være alene end med den forkerte.

  2. Thank you so much for writing this.
    I got lumps in my throat from reading this because its SO close to my own life, its scary. I feel like I am at the same place right now and reading this is just convincing, to keep going. I wish you the best <3 its good to know there are other people out there going through the exact same things and even feel the same way, about pretty much anything you wrote. I can relate 100%.

    1. Aw thanks for posting this comment. This is why i keep writing, in the hopes that i'm not alone, basically, so it's so great to hear from people who are in the same situation.
      All the best to you :)

  3. If I was a guy, I would girlfriend the hell out of you!

    A few years ago I felt very similar. I was the loud girl, the crazy one. The girl you have fun with for a night, but you didn't dare to bring home to your parents. The inconvenient one. Like something from the zoo, nice for an adventure but too dangerous to live with.
    Well. This August I'll be married to my husband for 5 years. Because the brave men might be rare, but they're out there. I hope, you'll meet one of them soon. And I hope you have an awesome time on your own until then! Feel hugged

    1. Hehe, i'd have all the relationships if my girlfriends were guys!
      "nice for an adventure but too dangerous to live with" sums it up perfectly.
      Whenever i feel myself wanting to change for a man i get scared and back out. I've worked so hard to finally be myself, and i don't wanna compromise that just to be loved for who i'm not, you know.
      Thanks so much for your comment, it's really good to know that i'm not the only one, and that some of us found happiness :)

    2. Being yourself, no matter what, will do this: Repel many. But attracting the right ones.
      You can pretend to be somebody else, but someday that mask will fall. You can make compromises about what' for dinner or who does the dishes. But who you are, that's not negotiable.
      I appreciate you for being brave and I wish for you to find a man who adores you for being yourself.