Thursday, December 11, 2014

Time to be a unicorn




Starting this post off right with a classy (classic?) bathroom selfie. Oh yeah.
I wrote most of this next part while i was still in Mexico, and when i came back i edited it, past tense'd some of it, and added some more thoughts and stuff.
So, much like myself, it's probably a mess, is what i'm trying to say!
But it's basically just a lot of thoughts and feelings about relationships and breakups, but mostly it's just about me.
Yay narcissism
I'm (over)sharing this here because a) i need to and b) i feel like that's what the blog has been lacking for the past year. Honesty. Rants. It's why i started writing this damn thing in the first place, and if i can't keep doing that, i might as well shut it down.
I write, i share, i bitch and complain, i apologize for the bitching and complaining later, i write, repeat.
That's what this blog used to be about, and that's what i need it to be again, i think.
A forum for me to share my thoughts.
If you're not into that, that's totally cool.
I get some of my analog photos back on Friday, so you can come back then and look at pretty pictures and fewer words. Or, you know, never come back at all, that's cool too.
The pictures in this post are a bit random cause i don't wanna post too many doubles in case the analog ones turn out good... in fact i shouldn't be posting pictures at all until i get them back but meh, i'll do it anyway.
Ok then, now that that's all out of the way, it's journal time!

"I don't ever wanna get married again. 
I don't even wanna live with a man ever again.
I do eventually wanna be with someone, but even though at some point i may have wanted it to be this one particular guy, that's just not possible in this lifetime. 
So maybe this was a practice relationship? 
Not a rebound, but something brief and wonderful meant to teach me how to be in a relationship in a new and more healthy way, without losing myself or the independence i've come to value?
And maybe to teach me how to end things when the good doesn't outweigh the bad anymore?

I wanna get a little (more) personal and try to explain something about myself that i know that at least a few people coming out of yearlong marriages will recognize, but others might not.
It's like a back story about this past year, something i would have written months ago if i could have, but sometimes you can't while you're in it.
But now that some time has passed and i can see things more clearly, i feel the need to try and share my thoughts.
So, here goes.

After the breakup, i found myself becoming another person. 
Literally. I wasn't the same. 
I liked different music, clothes, food, everything. 
It took a few months to get from heartbreak to transformation, but it happened and when it did, i'm sure a lot of people didn't understand. Thought i was acting strange, partying too much, having too much fun, acting like a different person on purpose.
Maybe those are the same people who bounce from relationship to relationship, forever on the rebound, stuck in a cycle of repetition just to avoid ever being alone? I don't know, but i know that i found myself fully alone, left with no choice but to adapt.

The thing is, i think, that the person i used to be, i couldn't be her anymore. 
She was hurt too bad, wounded beyond repair, and the only way to survive was to become someone else, someone new who hadn't been through that. 
So i did, to a degree where it was as if my very cell structure had transformed. 
I swear it wasn't intentional, but when i tried to wear my old clothes or listen to my old records, i would have an almost physical reaction against it, like an allergy, telling me it was all wrong. 
But it was ok. I liked the new me.
A lot of the problems old me struggled with, like panic attacks and social anxiety, new me didn't seem to have those.
New me went to Japan alone, old me was afraid to even get on a bus without company!

After a while, months, the old me would occasionally start to resurface, often scaring the shit out of me. 
Cause if she came back, did it mean i would be open to get hurt again? 
Would my anxiety return, would my new found bravery disappear as suddenly as it had arrived? 
I've always wanted to be brave and free, and now that i finally was, i was terrified of losing it.

Perhaps some people thought the new me was a fake. An act? 
They can go ahead and think what they will, but in addition to being essential to my survival, i also like to think that the transformation was not just me discovering, but in some cases rediscovering, the real me. 
Getting back touch with my actual likes, not the things he liked, or the things he told me he liked me to wear, liked me to listen to, wanted me to be. 
Or more importantly, the things he hated. Because me, the real me, don't hate a lot of things. 

Recently i've started once again liking the things former me liked.
Slowly enjoying the music and hobbies she used to enjoy, like for example decorating, which just did not interest me at all for a while, and that was obviously kind of a bummer since it's one of the few things i'm actually good at!
Now it's almost like the old me and the new me are finally merging, becoming one hopefully more whole person.
I'll never be her again, though. Old me. She died sometime back in February and i'm ok with that.
The new me is having way more fun anyway, and more importantly, she's not afraid. 
Not even of love.
It's nice to know that even someone as damaged as me (even my trust issues have trust issues!) can somehow manage to have feelings for another person, but i'm more cautious now. 
I may fall just as hard as i always did, but i feel like finally i'm no longer afraid to walk away if the love is not good for me.

Now, when I feel that someone is judging me, quietly trying to change me, or put me down to make themselves feel better, i put my guard up. 
Cause it's so damn tempting, to change for love!
There's still something deep inside me that's telling me it's ok to change and to please and to lie to myself just to be the object of someones affection. We're basic beings, we all just wanna be loved. So i've had to tell that something to shut up on a regular basis. 

What, you don't like me as i am? 
Plenty of other people do. 
You're somehow threatened by my opinions or interests? 
Then you're not strong enough to be with me. 
You need to text some other chick every five minutes?
You go ahead and do that, but you'll be doing it without me, cause i deserve better.
Don't like my quirks, my singing, my clumsiness, my makeup, my jokes, my crappy music, my writing? 
Feel free to fuck right off. 

It's tough to keep yourself in check, but i'm determined not to fall into the same trap, and i'll stay single for years (even though i think it fucking sucks most of the time) if that's what it takes to hold onto myself.
Maybe that's why i'm posting this? To be held accountable? 
Or maybe i'm just back to my old over sharing tricks!"



This tough as shit mariachi guy with the prison tattoos on his hands (no, really) might just be the dreamiest guy ever, who knows... 

And this grandma is definitely the cutest grandma of all time, and i may or may not have attempted to kidnap her (ok, i didn't, but the plan was right there in my head)

Anthropology museum again, because i realize that a whole post of ancient and not-so-ancient Mexican artifacts might literally bore my readers to death

But i mean, come on...

... and this?! Ok, moving on...

One day we went to the zoo and saw this adorable guy

Another time we went on a sightseeing bus tour of the city, which is quite possibly the single most touristy thing i have ever done

I loved the bus tour actually, but it killed me to drive so fast through so many interesting neighborhoods, and not be able to get out and take pictures

At the religious mall near the Basílica de Nuestra Señora de Guadalupe i witnessed this rather disturbing threesome 

Cute bookstore on Monterrey

When wandering alone in the city, i'd often get distracted from my original destination by a cute side street, and really, can you blame me?

I did a lot of drawing this past month, usually at nail shop where i got these done

Our dinners were often from street kitchens, and street food was everywhere making the whole city smell delicious

If i call, maybe they'll send... him...

I wasn't planning on getting a souvenir on this trip, but i'm glad i did

This is what i'd wear on cold days, and right now, typing this, i am wearing a beanie indoors

I loved just walking around my neighborhood (yes, mine, i like to make myself at home when i travel)

This is some of the best coffee i had in Mexico City, and if you're a bit of a snob about your java devil, you don't wanna miss this place

"You're gonna take another picture of your hand holding a cup of coffee?!" Yes, now shut up and wait for me while i get this juuuust right 

Carter... so handsome

Sharing a diner style milkshake because oh my god yum

Mexican niece being cute at the Museo Dolores Olmedo

This museum had amazing art, and peacocks, and Xolo's

Museo Diego Rivera Anahuacalli


The next post will hopefully be analog photos.
My camera was a bit wonky on this trip, and i'm worried about the outcome, so please keep your fingers crossed that i didn't carry that brick of a camera around Mexico City for a month for nothing!

7 comments:

  1. Thanks for oversharing! You are one tough cookie. I actually love the personal post the most here on your blog for someone who is also divorcee it is so inspiring to read about your toughts, you might have become my heroine (not in a creepy stalker way tough:) There is so many things i reconice and i actually wish that i could have read your blog when i was going trough similar stuff. So you keep on doing what you do, cause it is all fucking fantastic!! And hail to never be anybody else that who YOU want to be, cause that is the most important! Me for example i don't hate Copenhagen anymore, well i actually don't know if I ever did or it was just my ex that made me.

    And love the pictures what an adventure, you are so freakin' brave!!!

    Hugs

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    1. Thank you!!
      I kinda went through the same thing regarding Copenhagen. I don't want to live there again, but i don't actually hate it either, and maybe i never did, maybe it was married-sympathy-hate-syndrome? Now i at least enjoy visiting :)

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  2. I missedyour rants as well! I went through something similar some years ago and it was the best decision I made... I had realised that I didnt know myself any more! I had changed so much I wasnt the real Georgina any more... so even though none of my friends understoond it and many people critised it, all the changes that I made and the new things that I did led to get the real me back again. So even though we dont know each other (well, technically we do, as I awkwardly introduced myself on the London Tattoo Convdntion '13... I'm mosquito_madchen on IG maybe you remember me!) I am glad to hear that all the bad things you've had to go through have led to a happier you with yourself. End of my nonsense rant now! If you ever come back to London again I would be glad to repeat the awkward hi from last year!

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    1. Than k you, i'm happy to hear that!
      And yes, i do remember you, and i'd be happy to have another awkward encounter next time i'm around those parts :)
      In my case, it basically took getting dumped for me to realize how much i'd changed. And as soon as i started being the real me, the reactions from the people who've known me the longest said it all. My mom said that it was as if i was the person she knew when i was a kid again. Made me cry.

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  3. Blogs are weird aren't they? They start off all personal, rant-y or in my case swear-ey and super personal/write whatever the fuck I feel like. Then at some point you think you have to write what you think people want to hear (polite, informative, blah, blah) you become worried what other people will think. What the flip?! And its at this point they (mine) become boring. People read because they want you. Unedited you. Thats what makes it great. I don't know you but I think your'e rad and I like reading your stuff and seeing your beautiful photos. I'm glad you are feelin happy and like YOU. xx

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