Monday, February 10, 2014

I've always been a storm

So, i feel like it's about time to get back into the blogging thing.
The break was good, though.
With everything that's been going on, i didn't trust myself not to overshare, and i think i was right not to.
And about what's been going on... I don't wanna get too much into the details of it, but it does need to be said, so here goes: my husband and i have separated. There.

I'm mostly putting it out here because, well, it's not a secret! But also because the industry we work in can be quite gossipy, and i wanted our clients (at least those who read this blog!) to hear it from me.
Me and Allan may not be a couple anymore, but we're still business partners who work together, and who will continue to do so, and i don't want anyone coming to the studio with rumors on their minds, wondering if shit is gonna be awkward at Conspiracy Inc. Shit will not be awkward.

I won't lie, the past couple of weeks have been hard. Some of them, the hardest of my life.
I've always thought, when i dared to even think of it, that losing the love of my life would kill me.
Like, that i'd literally drop dead from the grief!
And there's been plenty of grief, but through it all, i somehow managed to not only stay alive, but grow stronger.
And that surprised the hell out of me, as i've never seen myself as a strong person at all.
But the fact that i apparently am has made getting through this a lot easier.
I suddenly have less anxiety, cause hey, the worst thing imaginable already happened to me, so what's there to be afraid of, really?
I even handled a cancer scare on my own (because, why not have health issues on top of a break-up, am i right?), something i normally would have needed a lot of support for.
I'm becoming my own best friend, and my own safe person.

I'm eating healthy and clean now, and i pretty much eat the same boring shit every day, because i now live alone and can cook whatever i damn please.
That's something i've wanted to do for a long time, and i love it.
Granted, my weight loss was kick started by heartache and stress, but i managed to turn that into something positive.
I get up every morning and exercise, no exceptions, and i am already able to fit into all the clothes that didn't fit me for almost a year. That makes a person feel good, i tell you, and i haven't felt this positive about my body in years.

I also started going to yoga classes, i meditate and read*, and i generally get out more and try to figure out what things i actually like to do, and then just go do them.
And because of that, i've made some new, wonderful friends, and gotten closer with older ones.
Basically, i'm all of a sudden finding myself on the scary, but interesting, path to getting to know myself.
And learning how to be alone without subconsciously waiting for someone else to come around and make me happy.
It's weird, cause just a few weeks ago, the word ALONE would ring in my head constantly, like a church bell, tainting everything i did and felt, and now, it's more like a distant chime. There, but way less ominous.
It's all just a matter of time and distance.

Break-ups are hard, of course, even mutual ones, especially the ones you don't see coming, and not being able to fix my marriage, the thing i've held most sacred for 12 years, made me feel like a complete failure for a while.
And to suddenly not be a family, when being a family is all you know and all that truly matters to you, basically leads to a total crisis of identity, and a loss of faith, for lack of a better word.
But even with all that going through my head every minute of the day, more or less, i still feel like i'm in a good place, and perhaps on the road to being way happier than i ever was before.

Man, i hope i didn't overshare too much!?!
Whatever, this blog has always been a little too personal, right? 
Oh, and as you know i always appreciate comments, but there's no need to feel sad for me.
I'm ok, and the parts of me that are still broken will eventually heal.

By the way, i might be away from the blog for a little while longer, as i'm going to Brighton for work.
So if anyone knows where to get healthy (!) vegetarian food in the lovely city of Brighton, i'd love to hear from you in the comments!

Not too long ago Berlin looked like this, and now it's practically spring

I am currently (slowly) painting some rooms in the basement, and i wish the color actually looked like this... talk about buyers remorse...

I bought myself a new bed, a bed for one (or two if you count Lucifer) and it is great

You won't believe it, but i actually found someone in Berlin who can cut hair, so i got me some reeeally short bangs

The only "normal" meal i've had in almost a month, and it was glorious and Japanese

Twice last week i went to stalk, i mean see my imaginary boyfriend Bill Murray, who was in town for the Berlinale Festival, and one of those times Wendy went with me... it was so much fun, and really, any day you get to see Bill Murray is a good day, right?

This was my Saturday night; coffee and records and hat making

Yesterday i found that bench at a flea market, and had to carry it all the way home from Friedrichshain... but at least i had a place to sit while waiting for the tram!

Custom piece i traded with Ria from Herbal Salvation... hand made for hand made, i love her products!

Trying out new coffee with new friends

*I've also gone through all 5 seasons of Friday Night Lights, in case y'all were like "i don't even know you anymore!!"


  1. I am sorry to hear about the separation, but it's good to see and read that you are coping. I never knew you were in Berlin...I live near Stuttgart, but only until we move to South Carolina pretty soon. Hugs xxx

    1. Thanks a lot, and good luck with the big move :)

  2. For pokker! Jeg er helt rystet, men jeg er jo lige gået igennem det samme. Og det har været så hårdt, men jeg er kommet ud af det, så stærk. Jeg har faktisk aldrig haft det bedre.

    Tanker fra KarlA

    1. Tak, jeg er rigtig glad for at høre at du kom godt ud på den anden side.

  3. Fuck! I'm speechless. I've been thinking about you a lot lately (in a non creepy way) just with your absence from the Internet. I know you will be ok but if you ever need anyone, just shout. Take care love xxx

    1. Yeah, i was already on a twitter break, thank god. Social media is not a good thing when going through something like this, so i'm glad i stayed away until i was in a better place.

    2. Absolutely! You just take your time. It's amazing how you are taking so many positives out of this. I know you are taking a twitter break but I DM'd you anyway, hope you don't mind. You are doing amazing, like really. Going out, yoga etc. all positive. Just keep doing what you are doing. Also I was sooooo happy to see you're hat/headdress making again. <3

      Hugs! Also Spooky & Ulla send kitty snuggles

    3. I don't mind at all, i probably just won't be on there for a while.
      Give the kittens some snuggles back from me!

  4. That sucks, I'm so sorry to hear that. But I'm glad you seem to be doing so well and have found so many positives in a crap situation.

    Keep your chin up :) x

  5. At your request I won't feel sad for you but happy. Happy for the new start and new adventures to be had, happy for the time you can spend being with you and doing all the things you felt you couldn't do, just happy that you seem happy in a crappy, life altering time. Hug hug hug coz no one can ever have enough hugs! xxxxxx

    p.s. email me at decokate AT gmail DOT com so I can send you lots of lovely Japanese/sakura things!!!!! xx

    1. True, no one can ever have enough hugs!

      I will email you soon!

  6. Det er det smukkeste og mest oprigtige jeg har læst længe ! "Failure will never overtake me if my determination to succeed is strong enough.".
    I sidste ende handler dem om at være ærlig overfor sig selv og dem omkring en....Det kræver mod og styrke !!

    Tak fordi du delte dine tanker....High fives


    1. 1000 tak Steffen, det er rigtig sødt af dig at sige.
      High fives tilbage herfra.

  7. I was wondering why you've been kind of absent from the internet/instagram for a while. I'm sorry to hear these news and I feel like whatever I write sounds dumb... But I really admire how positive you're being in this situation. Weird how you didn't think of yourself as a strong person before, I always thought of you as a strong woman! Pushing through terrible times in life and learning that we won't die from sadness or fear is good. I'm doing it myself at the moment too.
    Wishing you all the best in finding yourself again after this. Sending hugs and love!

    1. Hope you're ok.
      It is funny how we see ourselves, compared to how other people see us, isn't it?
      All the best to you too :)

  8. Welcome to the club of divorced ladies!
    its a journey but it sounds like you are already on the right path! and thanks for sharing such a intimate thing and describing it in such a honest way!

    1. Haha, thanks!
      I'm not quite divorced yet, but i'll let you know when i'm ready to receive my membership card :)

      Ps. Or will there be patches? Cause i'd prefer that.

  9. Oh my god dude, no wonder you weren't blogging much. It's good to hear the optimism in your um, writing tone?? You know what I mean. From what I've seen on your blog and twitter it sounds like no matter what happens you can always count on your family back home, but for now it sounds like you guys have worked something out, I wish you the best. And you know what, a cancer scare is no small thing either, I hope that's all it was.

    1. Thanks, i hope it was just a scare too, but to be honest, it seems like such a small thing in comparison to life as i know it ceasing to exist, you know?
      But yeah, feeling oddly optimistic, and my family are definitely there for me, although not physically there!

  10. En masse tanker herfra. Lige meget hvad er det altid en udfordring at starte på noget nyt og ukendt, og forlade det gamle og trykke. Men, what doesn't kill you.. Det lyder som om du er kommet overens med det og på vej til at starte et nyt og fantastisk kapitel, det er fortjent.
    Og jeg ved ikke om det tæller - men jeg har altid elsket din blog, fordi den netop er privat og giver et øjebliksbillede af et andet menneskes liv, på godt og ondt - det er jo sådan et liv er.


    1. Tak, det er jeg glad for at høre!
      Det kan være svært at finde balancen, men jeg følte at mig og bloggen har været igennem for meget sammen til bare at skøjte henover noget så stort.

    2. Præcis. Og der er jo mange måder at fortælle den historie på - jeg synes du gjorde det rigtig fint. Nu ved vi det, os læsere, og kan passe det ind i resten af den fortælling der kommer på bloggen.

  11. Wow, no wonder you took a break! I'm sorry for all the stress that I imagine this has all brought and hope things are starting to get on a more even keel.

  12. oh sorry to hear that and so happy to hear you are doing well. Stay strong! All the best!

    K Tao

  13. So sorry to hear that and very much a shock! I'm sure everything will work out for the best in the end, even though it doesn't seem like it at the time... take care and see you soon, Rich x

  14. I have read your blog for a while now (found it through Sandra's blog) but have never commented before (sorry for the silence!).... I wish you peace and strength. It's a tough situation but I admire your courage and your drive to keep things positive. Virtual hugs to you!

    1. Thanks for your comment, better late than never, right?
      Hugs right back to you :)

  15. I've only just discovered your blog but nothing here seems like tmi! It sounds like you're dealing with this break up in a healthy & awesome way. How awesome that you'll be spending some time in Brighton, it's a great place! I have a million healthy veggie recommendations. Off of the top of my head I think you'd enjoy Iydea, Moshimo, Infinity Cafe, The Almond Tree & WaiKikaMooKau. I write a blog called & there are reviews of all of those places on there, feel free to drop me a line if you have any questions!

    1. Thanks, that's good to hear!
      I actually just came back from Brighton when you posted this, but i did get to eat at a couple of good places. Terre a Terre and Infinity Cafe, but i'll have to try the others the next time i'm there :)

  16. what an incredible person you are. Your positivity shines so brightly despite of such news, I wish you all the best in your future as I'm sure it will be full of wonderful experiences.