It's a pretty common human mistake to assume that we're the only ones dealing with whatever issues we happen to be dealing with, but we never are. But because nobody wants others to see their flaws and their weaknesses, we all walk around in our little bubbles, thinking we're the only ones.
And we look at each other thinking "that girl, she could never feel what i'm feeling, she looks so cool and together and her life is probably perfect" and well, that's just never true.
Now, i'm in no way happy that so many of you knows what it's like to suffer from anxiety and panic attacks, but i'm happy that you chose to tell me about your experiences. You made me feel less alone.
And i'm especially relieved that so many seem to have overcome their anxiety completely, something i actually never knew was possible.
It gives me hope!
I've had a good week.
After the stress London kind of faded (working hard, like physically hard, on the darkroom helped me move on) i started feeling more like myself.
After so many bad experiences lately (London and Prague in particular) i was starting to think i'd never be able to do normal, but challenging stuff again, so it was kind of a huge deal when, a few days ago, me and Allan decided to work on on my leg. Getting tattooed, especially the longer sessions in Japan, has been a trigger for panic for me for a long time, and i was getting seriously worried that i had reached a point where a simple, short session in my own studio was too much for me.
So i told Allan "maybe", just so i wouldn't get too worked up during the day, and that seemed to do the trick.
The first 15 minutes were kind of awful (but then again, they always are) and i could feel the panic emerging, but i focused on my breathing, and on telling myself it'd get better, and it did.
Not the pain, because holy shit, but the pain was never what scared me.
Feeling unwell, being nauseous, not being in control, and ultimately feeling less than sane, is what scares me. And for some reason, the idea of passing out, even though i've never even come close to that in real life. Weird.
It was a short session, cause Allan had a meeting about a photography gig to get to, but it was a successful one, and i don't think i can explain how much i needed that.
I needed a win. I needed to do something on my "trigger list" without having an episode. And i did, and i've been riding that feeling ever since.
The only thing that bothers me right now is my leg being too sore to work out. But i'm ok to do yoga still, and that's something that's becoming increasingly important to me.
Sorry for the rant.
I guess i decided to share.
Here's hoping that doesn't turn into over-sharing!
My sweet and patient husband
Our trusty sidekick, being bored out of his mind
There's still a long ways to go on this one, but it was great just getting started again
The next day
Today i'm gonna search eBay for wigs, dresses and other things that will eventually make up a Halloween costume.
It's funny, but with Halloween being kind of a new thing in Denmark, not even a tradition yet, i've never been a Halloween person. But now, with the shop plans i just posted about on the other blog, i kind of have to be.
And i must admit, i'm getting into it!